I can’t shake it. It’s been 12 hours since I woke up from the worst nightmare I’ve ever had. I just can’t get the images out of my head. I wanted to DIE it was so terrifying. I was so horrified and didn’t want to go back to sleep but knew that it’s root was in my waking hours. I couldn’t stop shaking.
For those unfamiliar with it, black holes are suspected to slow down time. I don’t know how or why, but in my dream, a black hole must have opened near my home where I lived with my spouse and my three children. Now for most of you who don’t know me. I am a mother of one 12 year old boy. Now if this expresses the twistedness of my dreamscapes as is, I was married to a woman and I was “genderless” for lack of better terminology, but the children were of my genetic make-up. Now I’ve always been the one who “took care” of everyone so it makes sense I had a wife, and I’ve lost two children so it makes sense I have three. But my problem with the sense of time comes from a VERY REAL and disturbing life event I suffer every hour of every day and it came to head yesterday.
I LIVE 5-7 days each day in my mind. My sense of time has been morphed and made routine life nearly impossible. Have a near impossible memory to overcome and always get lost at what day or what I haven’t done. Eat? Don’t know if I did it. Drink? Maybe? Shower? Lord, knows if I did. I have to keep detailed records but normally as long as I have a job I can keep track of what day it is or maybe think I’m a day ahead. But yesterday, I thought, hell I was convcinced, to the point I even ARGUED that it was NOT Wednesday; was Tuesday. It made me nearly cry knowing my sense of time was so distorted.
Anyway, my dream was long story short, escaping from the time distortion and going back to save my love while my children continued to escape. Only to get closer to the black hole and watch as my beloved ran from me and the black hole, slowly aging with every inch. By the time she reached the door she looked as if 5-10 years had passed.
Loosing everything I love has always been terrifying to me. BUT LOOSING it as I watch and can do nothing but hope they escape. That is my greatest fear. That was my nightmares as child as my locked away secrets of being molested were hidden and tried to “creep free” from my memory. It’s been almost 20 years since the last time I had that nightmare. But this was worse. It wasn’t the man in dark coming out of my closet. It was something I couldn’t fight, couldn’t see at all, couldn’t even PUNCH or KICK to stop. It just literally ate away at my world, my love. Everything that mattered to me.
Anyone have any way to help it stop.
When you woke up this morning did you ever think, “Man, Dads going to die today, maybe I should tell him I love him?” Or maybe your best friend are fighting because your ex choose him over you. So he dies this afternoon in an accident at work. Do you think it was worth knowing you and him hadn’t talked in a couple days all because of her? Or how about her? How do you think she would feel knowing you two hadn’t spoken because of her?
Emotions are strong, very powerfully compelling things. But so often we let them control or ignore them completely.
We, most people, choose to set aside saying how we feel to keep from addressing how we feel. Not just because we want to avoid hurting others, or admitting to others how we feel, but the fact that many of us don’t want to admit how we feel because it is awkward or hard to accept maybe putting things aside and being happy for others is the best path.
Please think of all those who you love, all those who mattered in your past… Do you miss them? Do you wish you could tell them how you feel? If yes, then do it.
Yeah just maybe you would have told your friend goodbye because you really don’t like your ex.. But at least you would know you were honest with how you feel. Sometimes enough goodbye’s will allow someone to realize someone who is bad for them. Sometimes enough I love you’s can make someone who hurts feel better. Sometimes being a friend in the truest form, can change another person’s life.
No, this isn’t a forward. This is just one thing I wanted to give to you, my friends. If you choose to share, please do feel free. While you are at it, please tell them Naanad says they wish them well also.
Maybe a little positivity in this world will make up for all the negative things going on around us.