05/30 12:16am → 8:35am ONLY 33% deep sleep. 8 hours, but down to 33%. It probably would have been more, but got a phone call from a friend who needed moral support. Health takes precedence most nights, but last night, I wasn’t NOT taking that call.

Something to Think About

Something to Think About

When you woke up this morning did you ever think, “Man, Dads going to die today, maybe I should tell him I love him?” Or maybe your best friend are fighting because your ex choose him over you. So he dies this afternoon in an accident at work. Do you think it was worth knowing you and him hadn’t talked in a couple days all because of her? Or how about her? How do you think she would feel knowing…

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How I love

When I was asked by someone I care very deeply about possibly moving on to find someone who can live their lifestyle more than I can, (Let’s be honest even its current state RSD limits me in a few ways. Long term my treatment isn’t a cure, it’s a repair to a scarred wound that the right movement will rip it back open. So I know life with me long term is not an easy challenge to face.) I could…

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How I love

When I was asked by someone I care very deeply about possibly moving on to find someone who can live their lifestyle more than I can, (Let’s be honest even its current state RSD limits me in a few ways. Long term my treatment isn’t a cure, it’s a repair to a scarred wound that the right movement will rip it back open. So I know life with me long term is not an easy challenge to face.) I could have had a hard question to answer.

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But in thinking of how I feel about him, about our situation, about his opportunity for happiness. This is all I could say.

I love you. I love my son’s dad. I love several of my ex’s. Love for me is not a matter of ownership. It’s a matter of standing by someone regardless of if they fall in love with someone else. Because real love doesn’t die, just changes into respect for that someone else’s happiness.

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I meant it. Love, life, it’s all gone in a moment if something goes horribly wrong. You can’t force someone to love you. Can’t force them to stay. Nor SHOULD YOU!

It’s like Mommy Fortuna and her home made shop of horrors. (Yes, I really referenced it.) You can trap an immortal, but once it gets lose, it will never forget. And if you try to run, you’ll attract its attention… And wrath.

Don’t force a creature you deem beautiful, to be what you see it to be. That’s why you noticed it in the first place. It was different and beautiful. If it’s love, it will come back. And if not, then you loved it enough to let it be what you loved.

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Feeling Amazing

Being Amazing

Feeling Amazing
Feeling Amazing

Sometimes the simplest things can bring the greatest joys in life. Doing something for others has always been so rewarding for me. Not because I get some sort of benefit, like with being staff at Quakecon, but because SEEING something amazing happen, for others. Seeing someone gain great memories that they can share with their families, their friends. That is such a life long gift, life long pay back that I did something to make their lives better. THAT helps make me feel amazing.

How Today was Amazing

With that in mind, I did a case study interview tonight, clarifying I know I’m exceptionally lucky. Knowing others who have had it as long as I have, have already been driven to suicide. Knowing I’m still working 5 times longer than most who have it. And it was amazing.

I hope that with my words, with my knowledge the other medical students in her class will learn something so vital for the future pain siblings.

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