Heart broken

This probably says FAR more about me then I normally share in the vastness of the Internet, but it needs to be said.

Last night I confronted a deep lying painful issue in attempt to cope with an upcoming event I’m trying to get up the nerve to do by confronting it in my sleep.

One of the ONLY female friends I have is finally getting married.

Please understand I’m happy for anyone who can find happiness with someone who truly in the relationship for the RIGHT reasons. But I’ve had my fair share of failed ones. I’ve never been married, and I’m 35. I’m THAT GIRL. The one every guy would rather date the freshly divorced, highly damaged and not REMOTELY ready for a relationship woman over me any day.

Luckily my health issues have made me accept THAT is plenty okay with me. My problem is the physical pain that adds to my normal pain because of my psychological battles I fight when I attend or actually anything that has to do with weddings. For example, my last friend’s wedding, I CRIED minutes after she came out. Not because I was happy, though I was delighted for them both, but because I’m afraid of what it’s like.

But I digress. My friend’s wedding is in a month. In my dream I showed up. Certain friend’s of ours did not for one reason or another and of course, I’m alone. Not surprisingly, because SHE is the one I normally went to weddings with to help shove me out a side door in the case I’m disrupting the wedding.

This time it’s just me. We’re waiting for the wedding to start and the wedding party is chatting. One of the guys brings in beer, another mentions after it’s is over, he’s going to go smoke. The implication of illegal activities at my friends wedding I suggest they wait until they are home for it. That’s ALL I said.

As the wedding gets under way something changes, the wedding party starts moving through the location (in my dream I gave her a Ireland villa to get married in which I think she deserves everything and more). First through one floor, then another, all the while doing the vows. Just walking with the priest(ess) walking backwards.

Eventually her “two children” and I get separated. So I do what I always do and I just entertain the kids thinking the alcohol might be part of the ceremony I don’t know about so maybe this was planned.

Then I get a call informing me I’m watching the kids because my disturbance was not kosher with her main friends. To which I said no problem and continued to watch the kids and do what I could to make her happy until I could get out of her way and leave her life.

I won’t lie. I hurt a lot physically, all the time. But I ignore it as best I can so I can be worth something to this world. Justify my right to breathe, per say. So my dreams can be bizarre and highly emotional places to reside.

But this is where I woke up. And when I STOPPED to think if it’s even a good idea for me to attend her bridal shower, her batchlorette party, or the wedding now. I’m HORRIBLE with social situations. Even worse when I don’t know many people.

It’s looking like I am still going to the wedding alone. I’m about two inches from PROVING to a friend how severe my wedding issues are by asking him. But I doubt he could go. Work conflicts… I’m just scared. I don’t want to ruin this for her.

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