I really wish it was a joke. I almost wonder if it’s possible to have PTSD with marriage. It is so physically painful to even go to weddings… Even more to even THINK for a SPLIT SECOND about anyone ever trying to do that with me. I feel like I’m ripping into shreds.
I’m the butt of the joke. Thirteen engagements. Three weddings planned. One cancelled a month away because I was pregnant with his kid… So he could marry my friend. It is just, wow. I loose every way. Every time. And I don’t know why.I just don’t know what to do. I wanted to help my friend so badly. Even more so because she’s photographing my best friends wedding and engagement photos. But I can’t do it. With her bf going and the couple, I feel even more 3rd wheel. I feel so damn worthless and empty inside. I’ve been sobbing for the last 45 minutes.
I mean I know I have a hard time living with me. I know most people feel there is nothing wrong with divorce. But I wouldn’t think that that is such a HORRIBLE thing to be SURE and want to put the effort into something you are wanting to commit to. I don’t see why these are such major deal breakers. I know abusive men and women who are married… Men and women who are far worse off then I am, but yet they have someone who can love them. I don’t get it.
Yet, I apparently can give the best relationship advice. I can see good and bad relationships almost instantly.
But when am I going to actually matter enough to someone? I’m seriously questioning if I ever could. The last guy I cared about, likes where he LIVES better than he likes me. What the hell. The guy before him my ex/best friend threatened to leave my son’s life, so my son said no.
Anymore, I think I’d rather put a gun to my head and pull the trigger than to have someone propose to me ever, EVER AGAIN. I just can’t handle having someone walk away again. EVER again.
I’m only saying this here, because well, no one I know really knows about this site. So it’s safe to vent.